My Hair of Death

Some of you know my husband Todd and what kind of guy he is. He says exactly what he means. He does not sugar coat things. Here is an example of what I am talking about.

Yesterday morning we were driving to church and he says, "WHAT is that smell?"

Me: "My perfume?"
Todd: "No, did you use some new conditioner or something?"
Me: "Nope - same stuff. Maybe you aren't really smelling anything."
Todd: "What's in your hair? It smells like death."
Me: "DEATH!?"
Todd: "Yeah - what is in your hair?"

At this point, I start freaking out. Who wants to smell like death?
I don't smell anything. He reminds me that out of my 5 senses, I can't smell worth a darn. He asks me again, "Really Sandi, what is in your hair?"
I tell him I did use some new hair gel and he proceeded to tell me to burn it when I get home.

Now you may be wondering what kind of hair gel it is. It is actually a really expensive kind that someone gave me from the Aveda salon. The stuff smells really natural or as Todd describes it, like death, whatever.

So at this point, I am a little self conscious arriving at church, you know, smelling like walking death and all. I am wondering how far a perimeter I should keep from people so they don't smell my hair of death.

I arrive and decide not to hug anyone and just say hi from a distance. Todd comes up after a while and says, "So has anyone said anything about your smell yet?"

Isn't he lovely.

After we finish teaching the kiddos, Todd and I head to worship. When it is time to great the people around us, I turn around and say "Hi, I'm Sandi." And this new girl says, "You have the most beautiful hair."

I of course want to check her and see if she is suffering from a high fever or something that causes you to be delirious. But of course I respond eloquently and laugh and say it looks like a birds nest.

On the way home, I told Todd what she said. He said she must have a cold or something not to smell it.

So to everyone I inflicted with the smell of death yesterday - very sorry.

I did get my revenge on Todd last night and will tell you about it another time. Good stuff.

Drive Through Experience

Yesterday I was driving through Shlotzsky's to get a sandwich and I pull up to the window to pay. The guy working the window tells me the total - $7.06. I said cool. I have plenty of change I tell him. He of course could care less.

I then proceed to dig in my coin purse for a nickle. The coins are stuck in the corner and it is taking forever to get them loose. It is now in that awkward stage where he is waiting for me to pay him and I am obviously taking too long, cars are behind us, kids are going wild - you get the picture.

As I look back, I should have just handed him the $10 bill, but I really didn't want anymore change. I finally get the nickle loose and I pull it from the coin purse.

At this moment, my hand kind of spazes out of control and I fling the nickle out of my hand and it hits the window guy right in the middle of his forehead, bounces off and lands outside.

If you know me, I am a loud laugher and always seem to laugh at the wrong time. This was probably one of those times.

Between laughs and snorts, I tell him sorry and give him the $10. I get my sandwich and get out of there quickly.

Why do these things always happen to me?

You So Wish You Were Me

Let me give you a little run down of a day last week.

1am - 3am - neighbor's giant dog barks non stop, right outside my window. I am having violent thoughts in my head that involve Todd's shotgun.


3:30am - Daughter #2 comes to bed because she is scared. I have only been asleep for 1/2 hour so this was a wonderful blessing. She then proceeds to take my pillow and kick me until morning.

4:30 am - 4 year old son comes to my room and tells me he is so thirsty and do I want him to die or something because I didn't immediately jump up serve him.

7:30 am - Son who was dying of thirst barfs everywhere. If you know me, I am slightly neurotic about vomit.

7:31 1/2 am - yell for son to run to bathroom and stay there. secretly hoping he would want to stay there all day.

7:32 am - go out front to get some fresh air, pray to God while pacing around the front porch like a crazy person.

7:33 am - wave to neighbors, they wave back.

8:15 am - son barfs again. It has been a great morning so far.

8:30 am - discovered Bella (almost 2) has been doing a little body art and colored her entire body with a red sharpie.

10 am - Bella has a massive blowout.

10:01 - I discover I am out of diapers and wipes.

10:02 am - I want to cry.

11:30 am - Lunch - no one wants to eat the wonderful lunch I made. They all ate cheerios.

12 noon - my son who was sick, thought it would be really funny to pretend to barf just to freak me out.

12:30 pm - call a friend and ask them if it really is that bad to discipline out of anger.

1:00 pm - daughter #1 takes the dog's temperature. He then runs out the front door.

1:01 pm - 1:20 - I am chasing our obedient wienie dog around the neighbor hood, barefoot. I am contemplating letting him go on a little vacation.

1:30 pm - my attempt at nap time. Not too successful.

3:00 pm - someone squirted toothpaste all over the bathroom. No one would fess up.

5:00 pm - Todd came home.

5:01 pm - I left to regain my sanity.

Meeting the New Neighbors

As you may recall, back in March I wrote about the incident when I met our new neighbors and how totally cool I was that day. So cool in fact, that they rush straight in their garage everyday, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

Well, we have a new set of neighbors right next door to them. They seem pretty nice. I noticed they work weird hours like 11PM to 4AM or don't go to work for a few days. They have had their carpets cleaned 2 times in about 4 weeks, have no pets and I have never seen them carry in grocery bags. You may be thinking, Sandi, what are you a stalker? Nope, just observant and sometimes I really wish I was a private detective and could spy on people all day, but that is a story for another time.

Anyway, last night they headed out to check the mail together and I thought , perfect, I will go meet them. I rarely see them together, much less in daylight.

I walk up and say, "Hi there. I'm Sandi. I live right there."

They say, "We know. I'm Tina. . . I'm Hugo."

Me: "Wow - Hugo. Awesome name. I totally like it."

Hugo: "Glad to hear that."

Me: "Is that how you really say it in your native language?"

(I am now trying to act nonchalant after I asked this totally inappropriate question.)

Hugo: "Well, actually it is Jugo (sounds like yougo with a little throat action going on). No one here calls me that."

Me: "Oh cool. I will then." *I proceed to say his name a few times the spanish way.*

At this point, Todd who was with me mumbles something and heads back inside. Probably due to extreme embarrassment.

Me: " We have 4 kids."

Tina: "I know. We have heard them."

Me:"Oh, uhh, sorry. They really like playing outside."

I then proceed to tell Hugo about all the hispanic families and 1 columbian family that live on our street and how much I love mexican food and how Todd grew up in El Paso and thinks he's hispanic. I then point out Bella my 1 year old and say she looks hispanic.

(Seriously people. WHAT is the matter with me? I usually have great people skills. Where is all this strangeness coming from? )

Hugo tells me I sure do know what is going on around here. Not sure if it is a compliment.

I tell them bye and I hope to seem them again sometime. Hugo laughs and says, "You are one funny Chica."

I guess I wasn't too offensive after all.

My Second Career

A few weeks ago, Todd told me to sign a form. I asked what it was. He said, if you sign this, then when I die you will get some $. "Alright! Awesome," I said. Then quickly apologized for my enthusiastic response.
Here is a snippet of the conversation that followed,

Me: "So, will I be set for life?"
Todd : "Not quite."
Me: "Enough to live in Hawaii and surf and collect shells all day. Mourning your loss of course."
Todd: "So thankful for your compassion, but if I die soon, you might have to get a job since you are only 30 and we have 4 little kids and college to think of."
Me: " I could always live with my dad."
Todd: "He said no. Your best bet, would be to get married again."
Me: "WHAT! I could totally support my kids. I bet I could even make more than you!"
Todd: "I don't really see that happening."
Me: "There are millions of things I could do."
Todd: "Like what?"

Well, that got me thinking. The marriage thing would definitely be out because lets face it, who wants to marry a person with FOUR kids and is kind of crazy. Besides, the only man I could attract would be my 60 year old neighbor from Thailand who has a major case of halitosis (bad breath). Todd is my one and only for life, so that took me back to the career thing. . . what would I do . . . here is what I came up with - Things that I would love to do.

1. Be a drummer in a band. I totally could rock the stage and I would be performing when the kids where sleeping. Perfect.
2. Spa tester. Not even sure this exists, but I would go around the world and test out spa's and give them reviews of their service.
3. Go live with the Amish.
3. Get my own cable TV show. This is my personal favorite. I could interview all my friends. Awesome!

Well, the list ends there. So I just told Todd, "Don't die babe."
He said, "Maybe I should take some insurance out on you."

I'm Back

Well friends, sorry for the long break, but I am back with many stories about my crazy life. Thanks to all 4 of my readers that stuck with me. I will try not to disappoint you my blogger friends.
Later

Tip #1 For Husbands - What NOT to say to your wife

Sunday morning before church.

Todd: "There's something in your hair and I don't think it's a maggot."

Me: Screaming loudly and shaking my hair out like a wild woman and in the process totally scaring my little baby.

(What was in my hair? A feather from my pillow.)

Todd: "I did say it wasn't a maggot."

*In case you haven't figured it out by now, Todd and I are one unique couple.

The Drive Back to Fort Worth

After a fun week at the beach, we loaded up the mini v and headed back to Fort Worth. Things started out pretty good until Todd started to get a really bad headache. He claims it is because of my driving skillz and the fact that I didn't hug him enough that day. Whatever . . . He should have taken his Advil.

He is sitting in the back row of the mini v and he asks me where the water jug is. "Why?", I say.

"Just in case," Todd say. I am starting to get a little nervous because he is acting really weird. "Just in case of what?"
"In case I need to barf" Todd tells me.

******************************************************************************
I am going to stop here for a moment and tell you a little trivia about me. I am extremely afraid of throw up. To say I am afraid is a major understatement. It is a real life phobia. Mentioning that you might barf makes me break out in hives all over my body and do really crazy things. What crazy things you ask. Well, for instance, when one of my daughters was going to throw up a few years ago, I locked her in the backyard and spoke to her through a cracked window, avoiding eye contact. (Don't worry, I really am a good mom).
********************************************************************************

So I think you are starting to see my delima here. I start freaking out yelling at Todd, "are you going to barf right now." "What about now?" "Now?" I realize now that I was pretty obnoxious. My breathing becomes quick and shallow and I feel the hives coming. He yells back, "watch the road!" But I can't seem to get it together. He is right in the middle of my rear view mirror and I have a clear picture of him holding the water jug.

I start praying.

Todd is a very dramatic barfer. He is loud and violent. . . Are you starting to feel the urgency of the situation now?
He says pull over because it is getting really bad. I exit the highway going about 80 mph and roll through a stop sign. He feels the need to lecture me. Probably not the best time to talk to me about driving laws.

I didn't think it was a big deal since we were in the middle of nowhere and there was not one single human or car or anything in sight. Besides, I have been watching 24 and learning a lot from Jack Bauer on emergency driving techniques.

We exit off the highway, I am freaking out since he is about to throw up in front of me and what do we see. A little country church. We stop, he hops out and I tell him to get away from us. He goes and lays under a tree. I unload all the kids and head the opposite direction.

Let me describe the scenery. There is the lone, little country church, acres and acres of farmland, cows and us. Other than that nothing. Sounds great huh.

Well, Todd says he is going to sleep under the tree until he feels better. I take the kids exploring. It is 5PM and very hot outside, after all, it was July in Texas. We walk up to the church and it is unlocked. Awesome. I peek in to check it out. It is dark but a lot cooler than being outside. We stand in the entry for a few moments cooling off. I didn't think God would mind. There is a giant crucifix hanging up front and after a while I am starting to get a little creeped out.

Don't get me wrong here. I love Jesus, but it was a little weird just standing in the dark in a strange place. So the kiddos and I decide to leave and go look at the cows.

We look at the cows and over and hour later, yes, it was that long we were waiting on Todd, we load up and begin leg 2 of the journey home. It was also eventful, but I think you have had enough of the Walkers for now.

Beach Vacation Part 2

We finally arrive at South Padre after a long drive.

Here is a picture of the happy family.

What this picture does not reveal is the frustration of locking yourself out of your condo a few times, losing the sheets to your bed, the iritating whining and crying from your husband and son due to a bad sand scrape in a delicate area. Other than that, the actual vacation was great.

We did lots of swimming, building sand castles, avoiding the drunk hippie surfer and crab hunting at night. It was fun.
I know I don't normally post pictures, but here are a few.

Savannah, Bella & Madeline

Savannah and a big crab.

The End . . . Literally.

Beach Vacation - Part 1

Sorry for the long break - We have been on vacation for nearly 2 weeks. We went to the beach at South Padre Island. Yes it was totally awesome. But before you start getting too jealous, let me give you a glimpse into the ride down there. You might change your mind.

We had to stop the car 5 times for bathroom breaks. This was all within the first 2 hours of leaving Fort Worth. I quit counting after the 5th time.

67 or more- The number of times we heard, "Are we there yet? What's taking so long? Where are we?"

The long car ride made the kids invent some interesting games. At one point, I heard my sweet #2 child yell, "Mommy, I caught the devil." Um, yeah, Todd and I were speechless too. At this point, we tried to tune into a radio station (our tape deck was broken).

Well, all we could pick up was rap music. Who would have guessed since we were on highway 281, which is total Texas country land. Anyway, we jammed out to "Whoomp there it is." Good times.

We could only handle a rap or two so after that, Todd and I decided we should probably talk to each other. Strengthen our bonds of marriage or whatever. This is how most conversations started.

Conversation #1

Me: "I think I might want to be a body builder."

Todd: "Wow - that's scary!"

Me: "What - Why?"

Todd: "You on Roids - yikes."

Conversation #2

Todd: "Just when you think you've met all the cool people in the world, you meet more cool people."

Me: (I didn't respond, just trying to figure out what in the world he was talking about since we were in the middle of nowhere looking at cows and wheat)

Conversation #3

I notice that the liner on the outside of the windshield started flapping up on the passengers side where I was sitting. We were going 80 mph. Thinking I could be facing death soon I ask Todd,

Me: "Do you think the windshield is going to crash in?"

Todd: "Doesn't matter, we have insurance."

I was only slightly offended.

After all this great bonding we decided to just look out the window. Only 6 hours left.

My run in with the Police

I have 4 kids ages 7,5, 4, & 1 1/2. They are great kids but lately they have been getting into the habit of taking their seat belt buckles off when we are driving around. Not a big deal if you live on a farm or somewhere remote but we live in a major Texas city.

Anyway, it was really driving me crazy having to stop and buckle up the kids and give them the speech "if I got in a wreck, you could die." For some reason, that just doesn't faze them.

So this morning, I visited my local police station. I went inside and asked for a really tough looking police officer. The receptionist gave me a weird look so I quickly explained that I needed him to give my kids a speech. She went to fetch him.

A few moments later, a big copper came and he looked tough! He even had the aviator shades on and everything. It was great. He said, "Mam can I help you?"

Me: " My kids keep taking their buckles off. Can you give them a little speech about how important it is they keep them on?"

Cop: "Am I on a hidden video?"

Me: (now feeling slightly foolish) "Uh no, just me, hahah (nervous laugh)

Cop: "OK. But I am not in the business of scaring kids."

Me: "Can't you scare them just a little?"

Cop: no answer

Me: " Can you also say something about how they need to eat their fruits and vegetables everyday?"

He didn't answer again. I feel like a dork and I know they are silently memorizing my license plate number so they can look me up later.

We then proceed to the car where my kids were waiting for their "surprise." The police man looks in and proceeds to tell them to wear their buckles at all times or their mommy would go to jail.

Needless to say, they were speechless. I was of course holding in my laughter, trying not to snort. It was awesome.

He also told them to eat all their fruits and vegetables so they would be good little kids. They nodded in agreement. Landon, my 4 year old, he was frozen still.

Anyway, worked out great. They kept their buckles on and came home and everybody immediatly asked for an apple.

I highly recommend this little outing.

I'm Humbled

Dear friends,
Todd and I are humbled by all the prayers, encouraging words and meals that we received this past week. You all are the picture of Christ's love. Many blessings to all of you.

The Kind of Parent I Am

The other day my friend called. Did I mention she is the Pastor's wife? So my sweet friend asks what I was doing. Hmmm. How exactly do I answer?

My friend who is a great mom was probably teaching her kids bible verses or filling their minds with the things of God. You know, the good stuff.

Should I tell her what I am about to do or what I am currently doing.
Yep, honesty won out.

Me: "Well, I am, uh, actually teaching my kids the dance to Napoleon Dynamite."

(slight pause . . . Then me making excuses quite fast. )

"It's really clean you know and I am about to start dinner. Good exercise etc."

Before you start to question my parenting skills, admit it, you wish you could do that dance too. It's totally awesome. Most of you have probably already tried it but do it in secret.

Next party, I will show you my skillz.

(My friend did call back in case you were wondering)

I Have Officially Entered Middle Age

I turned the big 30 this past Sunday. Some of you may be shocked because you thought I was already in my 30's due to my maturity, wisdom, and the fact I have a million kids already.

Many of my friends tell me they just "loooove" being in their 30's. I think they are trying to syke themselves out or something.

Although I have done a ton of great things in my life up to now, there were still a few things I wished I would have done in my 20's. Below are a few things that came to mind. For all my friends in their 20's, take note. Because when you reach your 30's, people will be expecting you to act like a grown up.

1. Drive a wickedly cool car, even if you have to rent it. Let's face it, once you have kids, you enter the mini van stage, not exactly a head turner. I always wanted to drive a car with jacked up hydraulics and flashing neon lights. You know you are thinking the same thing deep down inside.

2. Use words like, wicked, you're trippin man, that's dope, off the chain, my peeps, that's the bomb, word up, yo yo homie.

3. Do something physically adventurous. And do it outside. No one will ever be remembered for playing Nintendo or watching every single episode of Friends. For me, I should have tried extreme rock climbing, sky diving, or riding "Mr. Freeze" at six flags. Now I am too chicken.

4. Do something totally funky with your hair, at least once. Add a streak of hot pink or cut it crazy. I can't do it now for obvious reasons. I would look like a complete idiot with 4 1/2 kids at walmart with a punk hairdo.

5. Try out for American Idol - the age cutoff is 28. OK, now this may not be for everyone and I have probably only seen about 3 episodes ever, but I totally think I could have rocked it because of my karaoke skills.

(On a side note, our church is having vocal auditions next week. Maybe I could pretend it was american idol and after I sing, Brian could hand me a yellow sheet and say, "You're going to Hollywood." )

Well, that's about it for now.
Cheers

I'm not dead - just feel like I'm dying!

Sorry friends for the 2 week break. Some of you may know that I am prego with baby number 5 and little cinco is making me the sickest I have ever been. Here are a few things in my life right now that throw me into a tailspin of sickness that is hard to recover from.

1. Todd's deodorant
2. Todd's Listerine
3. Todd's cologne
4. Todd's sunscreen

When I told him these things, he said, "So basically you find me all together repulsive."

I guess from his perspective the list would be a little insulting.

I also can't stand cat food commercials. You know the kind where they dish it out into crystal bowls and it is brown and squishy looking and they are trying to make it look like it is gourmet or something. I am gagging right now recalling the memory.

If you see me, beware, my super mom sense of smell is on high alert.

Coming up tomorrow. Things I want to do before I turn 30.