Pregnancy Woes

I have been pregnant 6 times in the last 9 years. Yes I know EXACTLY what you are thinking. That is a lot of kids. Is she crazy? Her husband must think she is really hot!

Lots of friends have told me being pregnant is the most glorious time in their life. They just loooove being pregnant. Good for them. . . . they are liars.

I am not a glowing, pregnant lady, savoring every blessed moment of the 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I love having babies, obviously, I have 5 kids and feel very blessed. But when I am pregnant, I seem to fall into this deep black hole and don't emerge until that baby has popped out.

Here are some pregnancy woes that could happen to you. Read with caution.

1. Swelling. You may be one of the lucky ones, who got a little swelling in your feet, not noticeable at all. You can still wear your cute shoes etc. You are also probably one of the liars mentioned above. My swelling was out of control. My fingers and toes swelled up like little sausages that could not bend. I had major "man hand" action going on. (you Seinfeld fans know what I am talking about). No shoes would fit and when I got a pedicure, I'm sure the technicians drew straws on who had to rub my tree trunk legs. Folks, not pretty stuff. My nose totally swelled up. I will quote Todd directly on this subject. "You are normally very pretty, but pregnancy just does a number on you." Isn't he great.

2. Snoring. Which was probably due to how massive my nose got while pregnant. My snoring got so bad, Todd actually had to sleep on the couch. Not even my kids would sleep with me. Of course I thought they were all exaggerating until I taped myself one night. Mortified would not even begin to describe what I heard.

3. Mood Swings - Oh you will read in all the pregnancy books how you may have a few mood swings here and there due to the increase in hormones. blah blah blah. What they don't tell you is that these so called mood swings can actually cause a normal, sane woman to cry uncontrollably because she missed the latest episode of "House" and it was the worst day ever and her whole life is ruined. Or mood swings can cause this totally sane woman to stick her tongue out at an obnoxious kid in the line of walmart. She is 30, he was 4. Or even better yet, fill this woman with such an intense rage that she chased a wild cat 1/2 mile down the street yelling and screaming at it and squirting it with water so it won't come back on her front porch, in the middle of the day, with all the neighbors home. Oh yes, good stuff.

4. Sense of smell. My sense of smell was so heightened it was crazy. It was like I was some super hero mom that could smell things a mile away. Sounds pretty awesome huh - wrong. When you smell things you don't like it totally makes you barf. I literally almost barfed on a lady at church when she was talking to me. Heather can vouch for me. There are also a few repeat offenders in my house that make me totally go over the edge of nausea.
Todd's deodorant.
Todd's mouthwash.
Todd's toothpaste.
Bless his heart. He just turns me green when I am pregnant. With your new heightened sense of smell, weird things smell really good, like tar, burnt popcorn and beer.

Anyway, those are just a few great things that happen when you are pregnant. I didn't even begin to hit the bodily functions subject. maybe for a book.

After typing this, I am amazed that I have any friends left after being pregnant.