Thursday, July 17, 2008

Pregnancy Woes

I have been pregnant 6 times in the last 9 years. Yes I know EXACTLY what you are thinking. That is a lot of kids. Is she crazy? Her husband must think she is really hot!

Lots of friends have told me being pregnant is the most glorious time in their life. They just loooove being pregnant. Good for them. . . . they are liars.

I am not a glowing, pregnant lady, savoring every blessed moment of the 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I love having babies, obviously, I have 5 kids and feel very blessed. But when I am pregnant, I seem to fall into this deep black hole and don't emerge until that baby has popped out.

Here are some pregnancy woes that could happen to you. Read with caution.

1. Swelling. You may be one of the lucky ones, who got a little swelling in your feet, not noticeable at all. You can still wear your cute shoes etc. You are also probably one of the liars mentioned above. My swelling was out of control. My fingers and toes swelled up like little sausages that could not bend. I had major "man hand" action going on. (you Seinfeld fans know what I am talking about). No shoes would fit and when I got a pedicure, I'm sure the technicians drew straws on who had to rub my tree trunk legs. Folks, not pretty stuff. My nose totally swelled up. I will quote Todd directly on this subject. "You are normally very pretty, but pregnancy just does a number on you." Isn't he great.

2. Snoring. Which was probably due to how massive my nose got while pregnant. My snoring got so bad, Todd actually had to sleep on the couch. Not even my kids would sleep with me. Of course I thought they were all exaggerating until I taped myself one night. Mortified would not even begin to describe what I heard.

3. Mood Swings - Oh you will read in all the pregnancy books how you may have a few mood swings here and there due to the increase in hormones. blah blah blah. What they don't tell you is that these so called mood swings can actually cause a normal, sane woman to cry uncontrollably because she missed the latest episode of "House" and it was the worst day ever and her whole life is ruined. Or mood swings can cause this totally sane woman to stick her tongue out at an obnoxious kid in the line of walmart. She is 30, he was 4. Or even better yet, fill this woman with such an intense rage that she chased a wild cat 1/2 mile down the street yelling and screaming at it and squirting it with water so it won't come back on her front porch, in the middle of the day, with all the neighbors home. Oh yes, good stuff.

4. Sense of smell. My sense of smell was so heightened it was crazy. It was like I was some super hero mom that could smell things a mile away. Sounds pretty awesome huh - wrong. When you smell things you don't like it totally makes you barf. I literally almost barfed on a lady at church when she was talking to me. Heather can vouch for me. There are also a few repeat offenders in my house that make me totally go over the edge of nausea.
Todd's deodorant.
Todd's mouthwash.
Todd's toothpaste.
Bless his heart. He just turns me green when I am pregnant. With your new heightened sense of smell, weird things smell really good, like tar, burnt popcorn and beer.

Anyway, those are just a few great things that happen when you are pregnant. I didn't even begin to hit the bodily functions subject. maybe for a book.

After typing this, I am amazed that I have any friends left after being pregnant.


Heather D'Amico said...

Oh, my stomach aches from laughter...

Erica said...

I really do love being pregnant (not lying). I think you should speak at a high school on your pregnancy woes. It would sure decrease the pregnancy rate.

Heidi said...

Ha! This is so funny, Sandi! So, I'm confused--are you pregnant currently? :) (Obviously I haven't seen you in awhile!) Hope all's well!

Anonymous said...

I love you Sandi!! I'm with you on the swelling thing! When I was pregnant with Parker I was so huge and swollen. I took my shoes off for a few minutes at my baby shower and then I couldn't get them back on. I just had to go home barefoot!

Cheryl said...

I stumbled upon this blog and I have to tell you this post had me rolling on the floor. I think I spent the majority of my last pregnancy griping about my appearance and hoping to get my normal body back. Well, it came back for the most part, but not all the way, and now that I turned 40 I'm giving up hope that it will ever look like it did 5 years ago.

I can't imagine having 6 kids in 9 years. God bless you, because two kids in 41 months was enough for me.

Best of luck!


Kate said...

I just found your blog through Erica's blog! This post is hilarious! I didn't realize you had another baby. Congrats!

Eric and April Colquett said...

Sandi, you are so great! Your brutal honesty about life comes out as purely hilarious. There aren't many people who have that gift. - April

Kim said...

Ha! Sandi, you speak the truth...but make it sound so hilarious!!!!!
Glad to have you back blogging again. I am going to keep hounding you until you write a book! :)
Kim S.

Jenny said...

You crack me up . . . too funny!

Hey, can you bottle up a little of your fertility ability and send it my way?

Or on second thought, this list makes me think adoption might be the best road after all. :-)

Lisa R. said...

I had all of those plus....

skin so overly sensitive to drafts (during a 90 degree August)that I couldn't tolerate air conditioning;

cracked rib from coughing too hard during a winter cold (rib cage too constricted from HUGE belly);

EVENING sickness, like clockwork, after dinner each night;

numb and tingling left arm - because of having to sleep on left side for circulation reasons and the only way I could do so was to pretzel my arm under me (yeah, I'm uncoordinated);

sudden craving for meats of all kinds, after 5 years of being a vegetarian.

That was all w/my second kid. First one was a breeze. Guess which kid turned out to be easy and which one high maintenance? Life loves irony.

Brian, Shelya, and Blythe said...

Sandi, I completely agree. I think the people that love pregnancy either have amnesia after the birth, or are crazy (or lying...)!

We miss you and your ability to make us laugh hysterically!